Posted on January 29, 2011
All the cool rebels want to be Brendan Fraser.
We, as gamers, hold a lot of information in our heads. A lot of it pertaining to completely fanciful stuff. Dramas are enacted behind our eyes by a tremendous cast of creatures and races which never ever existed.
There are no ogres, there are no dragons, there are no golems, there are no drow. These are false things, whimsical imaginary fancies; beings that were once created in the imaginations of more primitive peoples than we. Those who were terrified of, respectively; acromegaly, dinosaur bones, vengeful jews and sneaky picts. The fears of these primitive peoples live on in our imaginations and we use them as play-things, diversions. We meddle with the terrors of a superstitious age for our own delight and entertainment.
You know what isn’t fake? You know which, of all the creatures called forth for a jolly time with dice and beer and imagined dangers, is a real actual thing that you can go and see and if you know the right people at the British Museum you can fucking poke with your finger?
If we had to explain the various bestiaries or Monstrous Manuals we stock in our libraries to aliens, when we got to Mummies, we’d have to stop and say “Wait, no, that was an actual thing. I saw one of these. It was 5000 years old and in life he wielded power I could scarcely comprehend today. Okay, next page, Naga. They were half-man, half-snake…”
So I take it as a personal affront when some twat attacks one. Look, buddy, I know you’re upset about… actually, I’m not sure what they’re upset about… Egypt being shit? But Egypt isn’t going to get any better by destroying the one thing Egypt is famous for: totally fucking great old stuff. You know what my ancestors were doing 5000 years ago? Me neither, because they wouldn’t stop fucking goats long enough to write it down on the side of monumental architecture.
Leave the Mummies alone.